- I've lost weight
- I've stopped biting my fingernails
- My hair has gone curly again
- I no longer have habitual diarrhoea
- It's rare that I don't sleep well
- I no longer walk into rooms feeling like I have to apologise before I've even said anything
- My hands don't shake anymore.
There's a lot of it that is still with me that I wish would go away. I still think of it much more than I should. I still re-live arguments that I had with people years ago. I still think about friends that I lost, and wish that things had been different. I still deal with any sort of political subterfuge and betrayal very badly. It's only quite recently that I stopped having bad dreams about people having a go at me.
I will remember the two and a half years that spenned March 2006 to July 2008 as the unhappiest and most stressful period of my life to date. I cannot remember a time when I felt so alone, and I cannot remember a time when I was ever more disappointed with the world and those in it. I spoke to a friend about it awhile ago, and talked about how it's only now that I feel so much more happy and whole that I can appreciate how awful the situation was, and that I feel like I've woken up from a long and restless sleep. She had been through a similar situation herself, and said "yes - it's like being dead'. I couldn't have agreed more.
This post probably breaks the house rules. But I can think of no better way to put down a permanent marker that I'll be able to re-visit easily to remind myself of what it was like. Something that will be able to tell me years later that yes, it really was as bad as all that, and that I shouldn't allow time to rose-tint any of it.
I'm never, ever, ever allowing myself to feel that way again. Not under any circumstances.
7 comments:
What was the job?
Hi Carrot,
I'm new to your blog so was unaware of the history. Have you made a reasonable living pursuing your dream of singing?
Do you earn a living from gigs in hotels / cabaret / pubs + clubs ..... or recording / backing singing?
I just wondered. I have no musical talent myself -- but I just wondered how people make a living out of pursuing creative ambitions ...?
Best wishes,
Shan
Got your blog in my reader so I know whenever you update.
Hi Shan - thanks for reading!
If you look through my blog archive you can read more about what I'm up to career-wise. Anything listed under "music", "art" or "singing" should help you. My first ever post (search by date) will tell you more as well.
I don't do any work in pubs or clubs - being a classical singer, my version of waiting tables is singing in professional choirs. I'm beginning to pick up more solo gigs though, so hopefully I'll be able to give that the flick soon-ish. As for how it all starts - it's not dis-similar to any other job, really. I did my first degree in music, I'm doing my second in music as well but in a more specialised field. The idea is that I get good, I make contacts, I get work. The only difference between me and the average punter with a day-job is that I'm self-employed, and work on a freelance basis.
.... that and the fact that I don't have to put up with shitty office politics anymore! :-)
Hi Carrot,
Your blog is really interesting. I've had a loook through some of the archives now including the tags "Love", "Men", and "Injuries" -- very thought provoking.
I wouldn't have been drawn to a blog that was solely a cricket blog but the name "Love, Life, Art and Cricket" appealed to me ..... and you seem to have chosen a blog title that "does what it says on the tin" and you do encompass all those aspects.
I am very impressed that you are a classically trained singer and pursuing that kind of singing career!
Best wishes,
S
Mate I'm just glad you're over the habitual diarrhoea. That must've been a real shitty experience.
I bet you no longer have to leave rooms feeling like you have to apologise now either.
Sorry, I just had to get in on that one. There's plenty more lame jokes where those came from.
Good for you Carrot. I'd be interested to know more about your old career, what prompted the change, how you got the guts and wherewithal to make the change etc. Man I'd love to chuck my job in and buy a Hotel with an oyster bar with a bottle shop selling a massive range of import beers. There's a pub near Wiseman's Ferry I dream of but, you know, I've got kids a mrs, mortgage etc. I'm thankful though every day for all I've got and wouldn't wish for another life. But, I want that pub.
Good on ya Carrot. Tell us more.
Pat
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