- I've lost weight
- I've stopped biting my fingernails
- My hair has gone curly again
- I no longer have habitual diarrhoea
- It's rare that I don't sleep well
- I no longer walk into rooms feeling like I have to apologise before I've even said anything
- My hands don't shake anymore.
There's a lot of it that is still with me that I wish would go away. I still think of it much more than I should. I still re-live arguments that I had with people years ago. I still think about friends that I lost, and wish that things had been different. I still deal with any sort of political subterfuge and betrayal very badly. It's only quite recently that I stopped having bad dreams about people having a go at me.
I will remember the two and a half years that spenned March 2006 to July 2008 as the unhappiest and most stressful period of my life to date. I cannot remember a time when I felt so alone, and I cannot remember a time when I was ever more disappointed with the world and those in it. I spoke to a friend about it awhile ago, and talked about how it's only now that I feel so much more happy and whole that I can appreciate how awful the situation was, and that I feel like I've woken up from a long and restless sleep. She had been through a similar situation herself, and said "yes - it's like being dead'. I couldn't have agreed more.
This post probably breaks the house rules. But I can think of no better way to put down a permanent marker that I'll be able to re-visit easily to remind myself of what it was like. Something that will be able to tell me years later that yes, it really was as bad as all that, and that I shouldn't allow time to rose-tint any of it.
I'm never, ever, ever allowing myself to feel that way again. Not under any circumstances.